How to Be a Kick Ass Tooth Fairy (and save yourself a ton of grief)

Parents, Steal This Tooth Fairy Routine

Your child will probably lose his or her first tooth (if it comes out naturally) at about age 5, so be prepared. They will be excited about this. Losing a first tooth is a big deal. It’s one of those stepping-stone life events. And very likely, your child will be eagerly anticipating a visit from the Tooth Fairy that very night. 

So, when I say, be prepared, I mean that in a very practical sense. Be prepared. 

When my son lost his first tooth, we were excited for him, took lots of pictures, admired the new gap in his teeth, experimented with fitting a straw through it with his teeth closed – you know, the usual stuff. 

It did not fully register with me until his bedtime what ‘being the Tooth Fairy’ entailed. 

First, I  wasn’t sure what to do with the tooth. I mean, if he put it loose under his pillow, I was NEVER going to find it after he went to sleep. So, we found a little container to put the tooth in, and he tucked it under his pillow. He showed me 16 more times how he could poke his tongue through the new hole in his teeth, and I kissed him good night. 

I made a note on the counter “TF” to remind me to finish the job after he was asleep. And I wondered how much money the Tooth Fairy left for teeth these days?

My husband and I talked it over. When we were kids, we got a few coins. It hadn’t really been about the money. It was more the excitement and magic of putting a tooth under your pillow and waking the next morning to find it miraculously replaced by a shiny quarter! 

I looked through my purse, only to find 3 pennies. And my husband had no change whatsoever. We don’t typically carry around much cash these days. Neither of us particularly liked the idea of giving dollar bills (not that I had any of those on hand either). Coins seemed more special. Like finding treasure.  

I raided the coin holder in my car and came up with 4 quarters. I figured that would do. I didn’t want to just put them loose under my son’s pillow. He wriggled around a lot in his sleep and usually ended up with his feet on his pillow. I figured the coins stood a good chance of getting kicked off the bed in the night. 

So, I found an old white pillowcase and cut out a circle of fabric, about 4” across. I found a piece of red string and tied the coins up in a little pouch. Pretty cute! I thought that looked sufficiently quaint – like something the Tooth Fairy might leave. 

Later that night, I had just gone to bed (silly me, thinking my day was actually over) when it suddenly hit me that I had not collected the tooth or deposited the treasure. Dagnabit! 

Back out of bed. In my son’s room, I felt around under his pillow as gently as I could, but felt nothing. I had to roll him over and stick my arm all the way under his pillow before I finally found that damn container. (Luckily my son is a deep sleeper.) I slipped the little pouch under his pillow and put away the tooth.

Thank God I remembered, I thought. 

Back in bed, I pondered. This Tooth Fairy business was a real pain in the ass, I concluded. 

My two children are only 15 months apart in age, so once teeth started dropping, they were falling fast and furious. I don’t know what it is, but kids tend to lose teeth at inconvenient times – like Christmas Eve when you have a house full of guests and about 5,981 things to do.

And before I got smart and organized, I often ended up without enough quarters on hand, or I just completely forgot about the tooth come night time, and had to come up with some plausible excuse to a tearful child the next morning explaining the Tooth Fairy’s delinquency.

“She probably just had too many teeth to collect last night and didn’t get to all of them,”  I said. “Or, maybe she has a cold…” 

Yikes! 

 I needed a MUCH better system. 

Two kids amounts to a grand total of 40 Tooth Fairy visits. So I had some opportunity to perfect my routine. As of today, I’m at about 38, so I am a Tooth Fairy Fucking Pro. I can’t imagine if you had four kids. You’d have to do the whole Tooth Fairy thing 80 times!! 

 So here’s my kick ass Tooth Fairy Routine. It is a great system. Please steal it. 

Through the kid grape-vine it was determined that 4 quarters was not the going rate for teeth these days. Kids were getting very different amounts of money for their little pearly whites (from about $1 up to $50 – which I personally find absurd). When our kids were a smidge older and asked about this, I just looked at them with a “knowing” raised eyebrow look and said, “Do you think the Tooth Fairy left $50?” They understood. We’d had that talk. Some parents “added” things from the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny, or Santa. 

“Obviously, because I happen to KNOW that Santa does not give video games, or horses, or puppies.” 

I frequently reminded my kids that their teeth had better be in good condition – no cavitities – because I really didn’t think the Tooth Fairy would want teeth with holes in them. So brush those little chompers. (I apply leverage wherever I can find it.)

I settled on $3 a tooth – 12 quarters – which makes a pretty nice little bundle. I went to the bank and got $100 in quarters. At home I cut out about 30 white circles of fabric, counted out 12 quarters for each one, then wrapped and tied them with a thin red string. Then I put them away where I could easily access them, but kids were not going to find them. 

The next thing I did was keep a stash of small envelopes handy. When someone lost a tooth, I’d have them put it into an envelope, seal it up, and write their name and date on the front. 

At the same time, I would switch on my “Tooth Alarm,” a pre-set alarm on my iphone scheduled to go off at 11 PM (just before my bedtime). Whenever a tooth pops out in the morning, I quickly turn the alarm on on my phone, so then I don’t have to think about it again.

I explained to my kids that the tooth envelope needs to be peaking out from under their pillow so the Tooth Fairy can easily grab it.

And later that night, when my alarm went off, I’d slip into their room, take the envelope and replace it with a little sack of quarters. 

The tooth was conveniently already packaged and labeled so I would just drop the envelope into a secret box for “Special Things.” Who knows – maybe one day they will want to see all their baby teeth. 

And, I know that my children hold special memories of the little wrapped sacks of quarters in exchange for their teeth. Those, I think, are memories that will stick with them.

My final word – if this is a tradition that you care about maintaining, save yourself a barrel full of hassle, last minute scrambling, and early morning explanations for why that over-worked Tooth Fairy didn’t remember to come last night – and be prepared. You’ll love yourself for it later.